Being Busy

I'm not quite sure of where it started but this whole experience has left me thinking, a lot. (Probably too much.) I am left to think all the time. In my interactions with people I notice things I didn't see before. I have to take my time with everything and it leads to a deeper overall experience. Where ever I am I am there fully. I see more and experience things deeper. I am completely immersed in where I am and who I am with as long as I can be.

I see things like surprise, impatience, and sometimes a feeling that hovers over the edge of the conversation like people are just waiting to move on. (How much is long enough for me to wait?)  A feeling that we do not really interact but instead as individuals we are waiting to rush to something more interesting, more urgent, (dare I say it) more important.

At these times I think how much I have missed. Before the tumor and this forced slow down, I rushed between events. Putting out fires, running a home, too busy with busyness that I really did not live.

I existed.

I existed physically but I never really immersed myself in those around me. My family, my friends, my God. When did I last take the time to forget me and become lost in the experience of someone else?

I am shocked at the selfishness I have seen in my own life. I get the sense that I existed with the belief that what I did and was doing was more interesting, more urgent, and more important.  I could  not see the needs that passed me by.

To my family, my friends, and my God:

 I am sorry.

Let me say that again, I am sorry. I will use this second chance to not solely exist but to live, to share, and to be open to others. I will see you as you are and let you see me as I am. I am sorry for the busy, for the social mask that prevented us from really being as one. I love you. I think of you. I pray for you daily. I pray that I can be aware. Aware of you. Aware of your needs. And see what it is that my God would have me to do support you on your journey.

You are amazing and I love you. God loves you and you are ever in his care.(Even if you are too busy to notice right now.)