Bad Days

Dear God,

Today was good in a lot of ways. I was so overwhelmed/flooded/stretched, I just couldn't enjoy it.

What I was compared to what I am seems like so much is gone. After extensive reading and talking to workers in the field, I am what people hope for. (God, I can't take it.)

Sometimes the loss is so great. I want to pick up my son when he hurts and I can't. The sounds of my sons laughing and enjoying each other causes me to clench up as I deal with the onslaught of stimuli. To handle the swelling that comes in waves of pressure on my brain, lymph tissue, nerves and muscles; really there is no description that can illustrate the pain in areas of numbness and the phantom fleeting sense of loss that skitters through my mind. Breathe, it's all I can do. Balloon breathing into my belly to deepen the focus.

How do I keep this from hurting my babies? My family? My friends? Its not right that my limits should affect and change so much. I ache to do more but find in myself an actual inability to function past my present limits. I know what the doctors would say, relax and reset. Take time to heal. The pressure to help, to serve is internal. It's no one but who I am telling me I need to do more. My friends and family have been great, but I become flooded or taxed and I lock up. Not freeze, but relegated to the role of observer more than participant. I grieve for the loss and struggle to understand with a limited capacity how blessed I am, how good God has been, but I grieve.

God, how I miss being able to help. To lift my sick son and hold him. To visit and rejoice with friends without needing to retreat and draw back because its too much. To empty the bottom rack of the goddamn dishwasher without help. I was made to serve and now I am locked into limited abilities and any pushing endangers what I have been blessed to regain.

God, I don't need words of platitude. I think today I'm just going to grieve. I ache, and its ok. Tomorrow will be better, but it won't get better if I also don't admit that there are bad days.

Some days suck.



You are amazing and I love you. God loves you and you are ever in his care.