"If You Would Just..."

I know it isn't only me hearing well-meaning but tacky bullshit advice. Working in the mental health field you hear all the time "If they would try harder", "If you would just look on the bright side", "I had the same thing happen and it wasn't that bad." Anyone who imagines that this only happens with an invisible illness, let me break it to you, it doesn't.

It rarely happens, thank goodness, because I have pretty incredible friends but I have found that anytime you are dealing with a health issue, everyone's got an opinion. Most people keep their opinions to themselves, but there is always one that is so excited by the seminar, webinar, YouTube video, or article that they just saw that it is now their place to tell you how to be healed. Or to preach on the benefits of how quickly you would get better "If you would just..."

For all my Meningioma mommas and poppas out there let me say, "Go suck an egg." If all it took was a supplement, exercise, yoga, or meditation we would be healed. If the oil, probiotic, or organic food made my tumor disappear it would be gone. I still have a little souvenir making my life harder than it has to be.

Aside from having to defend my lifestyle, which is stupid, let me clear up a few things.

1. Not all tumors are cancerous.
2. Meningiomas have three basic causes; radiation, heredity, and prior injury. Possible links between the hormone progesterone are also being looked at for increasing growth.
3. Meningioma is only one type of tumor, there are many others.
4. Benign can still kill you. My tumor was benign and my doctors would not even give me a choice of care. I was admitted immediately and told it was surgery or I was going to die, I even had a general timeline of how long this would take. (They weren't talking months.)

Believing you know how someone else should live and heal is among the worst assumptions you can make. Let's review how to respond appropriately when dealing with someone disclosing health concerns.

• Them: "I have...I'm dealing with...I suffer from..."
• You: "That must be hard. Can I bring you dinner?" -or- "Thank you for sharing and trusting me. I would like to help. Can I watch your kids one day or drive you to an appointment?" -or- "Wow. I'm sorry."

See? You don't have to go any further. Empathy is looking at something from the other persons viewpoint. Telling is a big deal. The people I know don't need special treatment, they just don't need to deal with your emotional fallout on top of what they are already coping with. They need to be heard and acknowledged. That is it. Use a later time to inform yourself about their condition or talk about questions.

IF, and I strongly stress if you believe, after careful consideration, that the information is helpful and will benefit them, pass on the resource. Do not be surprised if they already have seen it and are not exactly thrilled about getting it again. You can also create a file of information to save for when or if they ever ask.

So, in conclusion:

"If you would just...show concern for who we are and express your love and support, that would be great."