No one person has the right to determine if another is "over-reacting" or if the event "was not that bad." Who are we to evaluate someone else's trauma history? What right do we have to say to another person that when they experience a trigger, that they do not have a right to their own history?
Trauma is perceived differently and experienced at different levels by everyone.
After some personal experiences I have found that society has a tolerance level for illness and trauma. They will be supportive, to a point. Then they start to use words like "hardship." (Pardon me, I'm sure I did not mean to make this difficult for you.)
I find I am dealing with a lot of anger over this. More than someone who is just unsupportive, I am frustrated by the ones that will express concern, until its inconvenient. They are willing to be there and "help" as long as they get something; recognition, ego, or even knowing the most current gossip. Do not dare pass the point of social acceptance. In my situation that happens to be about 13 weeks.
I started to put up walls. Recently, I had someone call me on it.
"Why aren't you being authentic? You are a positive person, but even I can see that it's not positive all the time."
My answer surprised me.
"Well, because no one really wants to hear it and they are done with me being sick."
My husband asked how I arrived at my conclusion. Being my protector he was set to take on whoever had hurt me. I went on to explain that it was more a feeling of inconvenience. In recent conversations, some of my support had begun to use words like "hardship" and "difficult." I received the message quite strongly that I was inconvenient or the newness was wearing off. If you offer help do not ever blame the person you are helping. Then it becomes about you and ego, honestly it's easier for you not to offer in the first place.
That made me the angriest. In conversation with me, using the word "hardship" to describe how me being sick was affecting them. So, instead of being safe the walls went up and I went into emotional lockdown. (All social masking in place and happy faces on.) Loss of progress, lack of healing, because I'm not going to ask for help if it creates drama. I don't need it. I don't want it. I refuse to give you the opportunity to make me feel worse because I am physically unable to overdo for you as I have in the past.
I do not give you permission to take my power and tell me what timeline or what impact this tumor and surgery get to have on my life. I am enough despite everything, and you do not get to take it from me because its "hard" for you. I am tempted to give you a list of "hard" things but I don't need to get in a pissing contest over this. I refuse to allow you to affect my personal power and even passively suggest that I am not enough. You don't get to steal my awesome.
No one has the right to determine the value of the effort put forth by another person.
I promise to my friends and family to not hold you to my timeline. I promise to allow you space for your own healing. I promise to make every effort to not allow my ego to get in the way of my love for you.
Bravo.
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