I Am OK (and that is ok)

More of the same.

There it is, the sameness. Not a lot of huge progress. But, then again I guess huge improvement is not to be expected any more.

Confidence is improving, my audiology appointment was key to understanding my sound sensitivity. It didn't change things, but having answers as to why it happens, helps me cope. Going places, large, loud, or filled with people is exhaustive. It terrifies me. My anxiety reaches sky high levels and my mind overworks in an effort to predict and cope with any changes. Yoga and mindfulness have huge benefits to address the heightened state and help build management tools that I can use to regulate. The extra effort, however, is fatiguing.

My physical dexterity has shown some improvement. The confidence helps me move in my restricted sphere more easily, but my neuroplasticity is not improving. I've pretty much settled. This is it. No surprises. No changes. I have even been able to identify my precursors to brain numbness.

There is an order to the warning signs my mind sends. First is an electrical shock firing in the tissue of the overworked portion of my brain. It's attention getting and will get worse if I do not change things immediately. I begin to lose physical fluidity, I stumble and lose my place spatially. Next is a stuttering or disjointed speech. If not addressed it becomes a point of numbness in which I hear and see things but cannot interpret them. I see shapes and colors but could not describe them later if asked. I tell my husband later that I had "the dumb". In the most literal sense this is completely true. I was dumb. I could not speak. Could not engage. If he takes my hand I can follow him but I cannot answer any questions. At times I have had questions asked at this point and helpless sobbing is often the response. I don't know, anything. I don't know my own name when this happens. I am functioning at a very basic level. I breathe, I blink, my heart beats.

Identifying my pattern of mental shutdown helps as I can estimate times and let my support know when and if I need to reset and re-engage. Sometimes you are helpless to change or prevent things, but I do what I can. That's all any of us can do.

God is good. I continue to feel His love and direction. I Am OK. I can accept that. God bless and keep you.