The Point

It hurts. Looking around and knowing that so much has changed from last year. I worry that I just spend my time complaining, but I am grateful. I hurt sometimes and this seems to conflict with a deep sense of gratitude. The two realities are not exclusive of one another.

I see posts from other survivors talking about returning to work, going on vacations, and learning to live again. I have so many restrictions still, that its really hard to accept. We, the survivors, each have such diverse experiences and effects that it must be so challenging to be a neurologist. "What can I expect?" we ask. The term possible side effects has become my life. In my discharge and post surgery I was told to expect any of a number of changes; memory, cognition, nerve damage that can result in vision, hearing, or speech problems, facial palsy or paralysis, the list goes on. Medications that address damage and healing present with their own list of challenges; changes in sleep, diet, mood, personality. You can be completely unrecognizable to yourself and others.

If you don't recognize yourself, then what is the point? What is the purpose of a life that can't be lived?

That then is the point. To live. To find a way past the surviving, the existence, to a life that is worth it. A life that holds its own value, separate from the false sense of value experienced before.

 

I thought my life was always about what I did for others. When put in a position where I could do no more of that, how do I still have value? What then is my purpose?

Turning to God for an answer,  my purpose is simple,  to have joy. To be joyful. To experience  the pinnacle of happiness, of growth, of continued progression where my value is intrinsic within my existence. What beauty if this is the lesson God wishes for us. We exist to become His joy. We exist for nothing we do, nothing we are more than ourselves. We are enough. In this world of busy distraction and not measuring up, we are enough simply because we are. Not because of what we do or don't do, but because we are His.

Tragedies of lost life, those are not the tragedy. The true grief comes from not knowing ourselves. Not knowing our value. Not understanding our place in His plan. We are all connected through Him. Past color, creed, and religious persuasion- He is there. Waiting. Waiting for us to finally see the point. The point that encompasses us all and allows us to reach each others spirits. For those who have lost loved ones, I grieve for you. When you are ready, look to Him, and He can help you find your joy again.

We are all connected, each loss affects us all. Whether from cancer, natural disaster, or the actions of another person, the loss of one is a loss to us all. I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow.