Dependence and Independence

So many things have changed. I used to drive around 500 miles per week; work, kids, home I did a lot. I volunteered at the school. I volunteered at church. I was involved in the community. Now a lot has changed.

I am the person that will push. I want to do and be and accomplish. I thrive on meeting my goals. I want to do more and prove you wrong. (See, I told you so.) It is sometimes where I excel. head trauma doesn't allow this. You push, your brain pushes back.

• Turning to fast? Nope, think again. You will fall flat on your face. Now your head is spinning and you cant even focus enough to interpret your vision so you close your eyes and breathe, a lot. Yup, the brain didn't like that one.

• Not enough sleep? No worries, you will be so brain dead that you won't even notice that you walked away while talking to someone. You won't be able to answer questions and phone calls will create physical pain.

• Too much sugar? Every muscle is on fire filled with inflammation and it races up your spine to settle in the tissue around the incision. No thank you. Not eating a lot of sugar.

Simple things, once taken for granted or not even considered. Who knew that looking at a beautiful sunset could become overwhelming? That listening to a long favorite band would create mental confusion and physical pain?

I depend on others for so much. I had to teach my kids how to call their dad if something happened to me like a fall. I have neighbors who check in with me. They can pick up my son from school when I can't, when I'm unable or overwhelmed. My husband helps talk me through my day each night. He's available by phone or text if I need him during the day. I'm prepared and ready with everything written on a dry erase board. Did the kids make their bed? Am I running a load of laundry? Were there any concerns or activities I need to address? Rehab? Therapy?

From everything I have seen and read, I have the best support team. I have an amazing circle of friends and family that are present without pushing. With confidence I can step out and try. Try new or different things. We have developed a phrase. "Well, it looks like I can't do that yet."

The idea being that I will, someday. That I will continue to build onto skills and learn how my brain works now. I will be able to integrate emotion and have some logic, somewhere. The need to be capable is still there. I need to know I can do things, if necessary. So, we built a plan and work it together. My team communicates and coordinates my care. My husband and family coordinate my needs and balance them with my need to be independent.

Here are some things we have found help me feel strong and capable.

1. I have a small family owned grocery nearby. They know me. I can walk to it and pick up milk if we run out.
2. The dentist is also aware of our situation and is close enough to walk to. It is easy to arrange a ride If I need one. They have my husbands number on file in case of emergency.
3. My doctor and the urgent care are within walking distance. We transferred the kids files so that if one child is sick I can see to their needs within my realm of ability.
4. My local church group has helped me be aware of needs and accepts that I reach out when I can; brownies, a hug, these are things I can do.
5. I have a monthly, weekly, and daily calendar. I review them each 2-3 times per day and have time set aside to prepare the next weeks plan.
6. I have an online support group of women; we are working on "Big Ass Hairy Goals". Huge things for us that with support and accountability we can accomplish. We want to make change and we support each other fully on that journey. Reaching across the internet they share humor and light at times when I am struggling.
7. I have "projects" simple things that keep me focused on making progress and finding hope in the future.

When you are depend on others for so much, it is important to claim your independence where you can. God does not want robots. He does not desire automatons. He desires our allegiance and love. I believe, He loves every quirky thing about me. We are dependent on Him, but He also desires us to develop as individuals. To reach our potential. God desires us to depend and trust from a place of strength and ability. Isn't that what we want for our loved ones?

God bless and keep you in His loving care.