Todd took the day off so he could be with me. I am so grateful he was there. With my experiences working I have taken teens and youth for similar exams to evaluate performance and identify strengths and weaknesses. We knew the tests and evaluations to assess my present state would be challenging for me. I hoped to complete the exam and that results would show where my damage was done and specific deficits I am working around.
With my rehab I have done many similar type exercises. As I set to work, it became apparent that this was vastly different. I couldn't use any of my coping strategies. (My evaluator called them 'cheats'.)
"Really? I can't do that?"
"No, we need to see how your mind works without them."
"It doesn't. I don't think I can do it if I can't separate things out."
"Do your best."
That has been my mantra. Do your best. Try and see if you can do it yet. According to what Todd was told, it took me over 10 minutes to attempt an exercise that takes most people being evaluated 2-3 minutes. After relearning shapes this summer and working through using patterns for problem solving I was stymied when faced with new or irregular shapes that didn't conform to consistent patterns.
Further testing confirmed that without visual aids my maximum short term memory is two to three items, at best. There is a difference between suspected limits and confirmed limitations. After sobbing out that I could remember the shape in my head but I didn't know how to draw it, I felt so low and stuck. I keep repeating to myself that where I am now is not where I am going to stay, but it is hard to consider how much I have to relearn. At least in the real world my 'cheats' are just accommodations.
This assessment pushed me completely to my limits. I did everything I was capable of, it was even less than I had hoped. My head aches, my neck is on fire, my voice fades in and out. I slept for three hours yesterday after coming home, and then slept for about 10 hours last night. I am still tired but my body just can't sleep any more. Easy day today. I have taken more pain meds in the last two days than in the previous month.
Overall, it was hard. Harder than I imagined to complete only one part of the assessments requested by social security. I am facing one more assessment for them and then a complete workup requested by my neurosurgeon with a neuropsychologist. I am both afraid of and looking forward to the evaluations.
I know I am missing large parts. I know things are very different. I am still grateful and floored that I retained as much language as I have and that life led me through experiences with such repetition and familiarity that I use every day. I am so grateful that my experiences in social work and with the Teaching Family Model applying cognitive behavioral techniques were such a large part of my life over the past ten years. It's how I function every day. Models for my daily schedule are based on the schedule I kept for our youth, to help them regulate after abuse, while they mentally healed. I use it for my physical mental healing. Its going to take a long time.
There it is, I have a long road. More tests. More assessments. More relearning things I took for granted. I am grateful. I am scared. And sometimes, I am embarrassed because our culture does not look kindly on the broken. I am aware enough to know how far I have to go and that some pieces will never be reclaimed. I try to hold to what I have. To hold my boys and know that for them, they just need their mom. Sometimes its hard, so I give myself space for that too.
My advice, do your best. You may not be there yet, but you can keep moving forward. God bless and keep you.
Hugs.
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