"No, mom, use your old voice."
"Mom, can you chase me?"
"Pick me up, please."
When they walk with me my children have to go slow, I use my cane and for safety slow is best. A fall could severely damage me. They sometimes grow impatient or ask if I can run with them, I can't. I have been able to find afternoon help so that their lives are not limited by me, but I know that as I watch them play, how much I miss being able to play with them. It breaks my heart to know that if they fall asleep on the couch there is no sweet walk to their room in my arms.
Some days are better than others and I find myself able to connect and share with them. I often wonder how many other parents struggle with young children and post surgery trauma. Here are my guidelines.
1. Focus on what is the same. I can still hold and rock my boys, the only difference is that they need to climb into my lap. I have found that with some accommodations, many of the things that we enjoy are possible. I cannot play video games with my kids, the stimulus and activity is too intense. What I can do is sit by them and cheer them on, watching when I can and taking frequent shut-down moments. I can watch my children play and climb. I can coach them through relaxation activities when upset, even if I can no longer help them solve the problem. Some days, I have found I am Almost Normal.
2. Find good things about what is different. With my children we find that not all the changes are bad. I am more patient. More willing to listen. able to take things at a slow pace, anything else is impossible. So, we enjoy slow walks; we look for spider webs, look at the mountains, feel the sun on our cheeks. I am finding that I like taking small steps and finding the small moments with my children. I find peace in taking time to rock them, to connect fully one-on-one with no other mental energy being spent elsewhere.
3. Find special moments or traditions to build with each child. I have found that by allowing my children to shape and share in choosing activities, mom isn't so good at thinking about things like this, they are more invested in the activity itself. These moments become more personal and they talk about them more than if I had planned a perfect event. Each week we try to spend time one-on-one with each child. This can take some creative planning, but a few minutes each week is completely possible.
4. Do not allow guilt to creep in when you do as much as you can. This is what every good parent does. We give as much as we can when we have it. You can not pour water from an empty vessel. Accept that you will miss some things. There will be things you cannot do. Accept that this is the reality now. As long as you connect and built relationships of trust and love with your children, they will not lack for the emotional and physical development they need.
I am incredibly blessed in my journey to have loving support help me with the most important things in my life. I am blessed to have neighbors ready to help in case of emergency. I am blessed with rides to the grocery store when I need them. I am blessed. God is good. Work around instead of against your limitations and you will discover moments of pure joy.
God bless and keep you in His care.
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