The Logic of Not

My posts have been full of fear, anxiety, and the unknown in recent days. I am trying to understand a concept that I feel is best put into words because this is not something that I alone struggle with. In my most recent speech therapy sessions, in relearning how to think and apply logic, we have found that I have a difficult time grasping the concept of "Not".

Not is the simple idea that something is not true or is Not a rule. For example, the horse is not in the pasture. For me, recovering from brain injury, this creates immediate panic. If the horse is not in the pasture, where is it? Another person may make the logical step that it is simply not there at this time, but it will return. For me the idea of where it is not is so vast and consuming that I become lost in the universe. I am floating somewhere around the rings of Saturn wondering if the horse is grazing in orbit. I am unable to rule out obvious untruths because this filter no longer exists for me. This is something we learn. I become a child asking, not why but what? If Not, then what?

Not creates infinite questions as I try to grasp what is true. However, with the idea of Not, you cannot answer the question in this way. Not, loses its value when you determine what is. For example, take the same horse and go a step further. If I say the horse is in the barn, I am no longer working within the world of Not, I understand what is.

This is applied through the use of game cards. Using color and number (right and left brain) I am able to determine which card applies to the rule, and which card does not. I can determine if a card is red in color, with a value greater than 4 that it is true. I can also determine if it is false. When that idea is turned on its side, when I have to decide if a color is Not greater than 4 and red in color, my mind panics. Post-trauma, I do not understand. The idea of infinite possibility is terrifying to me. I want things to be concrete, certain, all i's dotted and t's crossed.

When I heard that I did Not have a craniotomy, I needed to understand then, what is. This need to understand is a very real visceral need to grasp a concept beyond myself and what has become known and familiar. I am trying to apply a higher level of logic to a frightening experience. Hearing about a slightly different procedure, I need all my questions answered again. Why? Because in order to control and manage my anxiety, I am trying to answer multiple questions in regards to the new information presented. I cannot make the leaps in logic myself. There is not much information on craniectomy. All I know is what I can find online, and it is not much.

What I can find assures me that it was the right choice and that, considering the pressure on my brain, it made the most sense to leave the flexibility in case of additional trauma. I am left with the whole universe of questions as to what this means now.

So, now what?