Gross Stuff No One Tells You

After a craniotomy or craniectomy there is a lot to take in. A lot of changes. A lot to think about, and then there is the stuff that no one talks about.

1. You will not be able to shower. Yup, no water immersion of any kind until cleared by your doctor. Sponge baths? Yeah, get used to it. Someone will help you wash, no modesty here. The nurse will be super professional and not look more than necessary. You'll be on a lot of pain killers, so this is only a mild inconvenience.

2. Food has no flavor. Literally everything tastes like cardboard soaked in Elmer's glue. You will likely be on a liquid only diet and have a ton of medications so you won't really care. There is a point when you move to solids that it still tastes like cardboard. This will diminish over time. Stay calm and enjoy relearning what you like now.

3. You will possibly have iodine film in your hair; it looks like chunks of dried blood when you brush or comb your hair. It's red and sticky and looks really gross around your incision. This film serves a great purpose in surgery keeping pesky hairs out of your open skull, but you may still be removing from your head up to a week after surgery.

4. Your incision will itch, a lot. We are talking burning fires in the seventh circle of hell. You will wake up at random times certain that some evil imp is using your head as a drawing board with a quill pen. And heaven protect anyone who dares to touch any part of your head without express and written consent. It is strictly off limits.

5. Random body functions will become impossibly hard. I remember it taking me four weeks to learn to swallow again. This included food, drink, and pills. It becomes difficult when you hold your pain killer in your hand and prepare to attempt to get it down for the third time. Any of your functions may be affected due to swelling in the brain following the trauma of surgery. Ask your health care workers. They have experience in this area and can help you through the minefield of new experiences.

6. Bowels, #2, the backend. Whatever you call it you will not be able to poop for the foreseeable future. When you can finally manage it with the aid of stool softners it will be an epic event that you are likely to share with anyone in your closest vicinity.

7. Riding in a car is an ordeal. Let's be very clear, you will not be able to drive for an extended period of time. What you may not consider is that even riding will overload your system with stimuli. It can be intense. Simple changes such as polarized sunglasses and closing your eyes will reduce the overload and help you regulate.

Overall, your brain has been reset. You can and will experience myriad changes. No two experiences are the same. Your experience will be as individual as you are. Let it be. Talk to your healthcare team and don't be afraid to ask questions. You will only know what you need if you ask. Anything is possible; you have undergone a life changing experience, accept now that you will never be the same, that is ok. The possibilities are endless. God bless you.