Remaking the Holidays

This year has led to so many changes in our home. Going through weeks of radiation led to another shift in how we approach our days. With the holiday season approaching, it also became necessary to look at our traditions and consider changing things up.

We must be willing to change where we are now to get where it is we want to go. 

It is not enough to say, "This is what we have always done." That is a poor reason to do anything in life. Break down the day. What things serve you? What things fill your soul? What actually matters to you? And what no longer works? 

If something no longer works for us life, we realized it is ok to look at changes that more accurately reflect who we are now. This can mean changes in who we spend time with, how we spend your time, and even how we celebrate. I used to prepare an extensive meal, decorate elaborately, and even do most of the housekeeping. None of those things work for our family any more.

This year, we are changing most of our holiday meal. We are changing when we have family and friends visit. We are changing our gift giving to reflect where we are now. We are taking away things that pull away from what it is we want to accomplish, while leaving room for those things that matter most. 

We need to have reasonable expectations of ourselves and others. 

As we have shaped how we are approaching the holiday, we also needed to set some reasonable standards that reflect our priorities. It is unreasonable to assume that we are the same each day. It is ok to adapt our expectations to the situation. 

High stimulus environments wear me out much faster as I work through layers of light and sound. We have young children in our fmaily, some events are simply not a good fit for us right now. It is ok to adapt how we interact and what we interact with to reflect who we are. 

No apology. No explaination. No agenda necessary. 

When we are adaptable we can expereince the holidays as we are and instead of meeting the expectations of others, we are able to authentically engage with our world. We are able to do what matters most to us, and enjoy this time for celebration as we are today. 

Moving beyond what was, is encouraging us to try new things together. I couldn't be more excited. 

Holiday Update

Today is the start of the Christmas holidays. Kids home make for crazy mom still recovering. I am trying to apply all I have learned from therapy and rehabilitation. New studies are coming out about brain food. Research trials are being started that are meningioma specific. Other studies offer hope for those suffering from different types of brain tumor. Family is here to help and the boundaries we have set are holding.

I made it through watching Star Wars with my family; my accommodations helped. It was pretty overwhelming and I didn't get much else done that day but it was worth it to watch the movie together with my boys.

Cookies got baked. Three of us working on it helped and one or two batches per day is really not much with the mixer. Gifts bought well in advance helped, wrapping was a breeze because all that was left were a few gifts and putting on bows.

Here is what I have found works.

1. Small daily effort does more than huge sustained effort.
2. Breaking chores into smaller tasks means I can rest whenever necessary.
3. Setting a daily, weekly, and monthly plan ensures that I don't lose track of my priorities.
4. Self care comes first.
5. Time for fun is a must; otherwise your emotional health suffers.
6. Its all about relationships.
7. No one cares about the grand gesture, being there and being emotionally available is all most people need.
8. Begin with what matters and the rest will find space or fade away.
9. Time for God is necessary for my spiritual and emotional health.
10. Write it down; memory problems can be circumvented if you write things down.

The holidays are doable. We are half over but are currently on track.

 

I am not overdoing it but that is still a possibility. Hope that you hold your loved ones close this year. Love you. God bless you.

Holiday Suggestions; Don't be Clark

As you are recovering and healing I have found any number of things that help. I can implement a few. with the holidays coming it has become necessary, at times, to set some clear expectations and guidelines. It helps keep me from becoming overwhelmed and enjoying the holiday.


First, if you are familiar with the movie Christmas vacation with Chevy Chase, don't be Clark. Don't imagine and create such high expectations of yourself and others that you are destined to be disappointed. Instead be clear about what really matters, narrow it down, and focus on the people not the activities or gifts. Below is a letter I sent to my planned guests this year, I hope this helps as you head into holiday season.

"I want to be clear and open about my anxiety over our upcoming visit.  I also hope to create a space of clear expectations so that this visit is positive and family based.  I do everything I can in a day.  It is enough to keep things running but any more sets me back.  Here are some thoughts that may help. 1. My impulse is still to overwork; sticking to my schedule makes sure I use my rest times.  I cannot function without rest times.  I have them set up to use as I require. I  know when and how to address stressors as they occur in a way that works for me.  2. Rest times are periods where I mentally withdraw to regroup. If I perceive a threat or pressure, that time takes significantly longer than normal. 3.  I plan everything in advance; my week, my day, my meals.  I still cannot handle changes to my scheduled plans.  If there is a necessary change I need additional time to process and regroup. 4.  I am as active as I can be and the boys are adapting well. Pushing because it is the holidays will result in a shut down.  I am getting things ready now to help reduce the occurrence of such an event. 5.  I can't handle criticisms or suggestions.  If something is safety related or a true emergency lets handle it.  If not, it really doesn't matter enough.  The stress will cause more harm than the benefit of any changes. 6. I have found that both the kids and I require down time each day.  Unstructured rest time that we use to recharge.  It is not good for me and I have found it is not good for the kids to be busy or entertained all the time.  I think if we keep things in mind we can make this a great visit. Thank you!"

 

The response from my family was wonderful and helped to address my anxiety and fears. If your family and friends cannot support your limits, it is ok to make plans to see them at another time, outside of the holidays. If you both work to be clear, open, and flexible, the memories you make will hold you through the coming year.

 

God Bless and keep you. You are His, always.