Some Day

Brain tumors become a game of "some day". For many Some day will be surgery. Some day they will have a seizure. Some day they will lose memory or life function.

Numbness. Pain. Disorientation. Fatigue. Double vision. Hearing loss. All these can occur any time in any way for brain tumor patients, benign or cancerous. Surgery is often reserved for those cases where, to not go forward, guarantees death. Radiation and chemotherapy may offer hope and relief for some, but not all cases will benefit.

You could say I was one of the fortunate ones. Instead of years of some day, everything happened so fast that some day was today.

Now my some day consists of creating a life post craniectomy. Some day I will not shake. Some day I will be asked a question and know the answer without thinking about it. Some day I will drive again. Some day I will laugh and run with my children. Some day I will not be in pain.

As you can see, it becomes easy to get lost in some day. I try to focus on today, on now.

It's not always easy.

There are times where holding on to today, this moment, is all I can do. But I hope. I hope for healing, for growth. I hope that none of my loved ones will have to walk this journey.

I respect those that support their family, that hold loved ones when they wake up lost and confused.

Most of all, I respect these warriors. They wake up every morning, never knowing what will happen, knowing that anything is possible, and they choose to live. Every moment they choose life. Past the pain, seizures, anxiety and unknowns they choose to live a life you will know nothing about. (Thank God you don't, this journey is not for the faint of heart.)

They live around you, these warriors. Mothers, grandmothers, fathers and friends. They live quietly. Not making waves. Getting up and living their life, the best way they can. They work and play, laugh and love. Through all this they know how fleeting it all can be. But they still do it, every day, because it is not yet some day and they are here today.

God bless and keep you.

What does Faith have to do with it?

Today the question was posed on a support group forum this person essentially asked- Why all the prayers posts? Isn't this a medical support site?

My reply on the forum was the following, "I think empathy and sharing the emotional challenges does have a place here. A medical only forum would still include that and for some hope and prayer are part of their medical and healing path. Choosing not to share in that way does not mean that it does not have value. I respect the rights of others but have gained needed encouragement and help on dark days for myself. I think if we shift more personal conversations to messages then it is fine. Emotional help is just as valid if not more so than physical symptoms.

I have to admit Faith and emotional support, for me, are large parts of healing. Faith creates hope and belief that this is not some blip on my life. This journey serves a purpose. I will come out of this stronger and better than before, because I have faith that I will. The psychological world is approaching the impact of faith and hope on healing. In fact my doctors have said that a positive outlook will say more about a patients recovery than any tests.

A positive outlook allows us to look past the pain and the hurt, and the now to see the future. The future we hope and pray to obtain. So yes, faith and prayers have  a place in the medical world. For some they are necessary, others may choose not to participate but that in no way should affect those of us who do. It comes down to simple respect and love for each other as human beings.

So, my prayers for your recovery and that you find the path to healing that you need. I believe that God loves us individually. He knows us. He knows who we are and what we need. He is a great God. May He bless and keep you.

Please enjoy the following messages on brain health and healing...

Tender Mercies

 Everything I am now and everything that I can yet be is built upon the tender mercy that God has shown to me personally.

"Sometimes progress in spiritual things can seem slow or intermittent. Sometimes we may feel that we have lost ground, that we have made mistakes, or that our best efforts to find the Savior are not working. If you feel this way, please do not give up--ever. Go right on believing in Him and in His gospel and His Church. Align your actions with that belief."

 We create through our internal discourse the reality we expect to achieve for ourselves. Faith, hope, belief these things cause us to take daily actions that will add up to create our reality. Step forward in faith and belief. God is good and His promises are sure. Happy Sabbath!

Rediscovering Faith

When you start with nothing, you are able to relearn everything. What an unexpected journey.

I got to start from scratch as regarding my personal faith. "What do I know?" I realize in this journey that I don't have to know everything. I just have to know what I know now, I will get there. For me it goes back to "yet"- I'm not there, yet. Coming out of surgery I could recall very little. Large gaps still exist in my memory. There is a lot going on that I have little control over.

So, what do you do when you have nothing? You start over at the beginning.

I believe in God. I believe that He is my Father and has a plan for my life. My job is to live it to the best of my abilities. God is in charge. This is His church. The people are fallible, but he is not. I can trust that whatever happen today, He is in charge and any concerns will be addressed in the time and place needed. I feel things so strongly, I feel the spirit and know that He directs my interactions with my children. During times of need I am more capable than I really am. I know He is there, helping me through with my children. I know He cares. I know He loves each of His children and cares for their eternal progression. I believe that he is directing my family. I see Him strengthen those around me. I am in awe of all he does.

This is enough for now. It is good. He will take me by the hand through the rest of this.

Humbled

Wow.

You ask and God answers. This past month has been filled with ups and downs as I both face my six month craniversary (a term coined by measuring the time from ones craniotomy) and accept the limitations still present past the physical healing stage. As my speech pathologist says, that is ok, now we know what functional healing still needs to occur. What I have present at this time is what I will be working to slowly heal, and slow is the word of the day.

This has been especially challenging as I have been putting things in perspective over the holiday season. I have been blessed with the most incredible experiences. The first was the offer of a ride home from the store. It was cold but I had forgotten to ask my husband to pick up some basic necessities for the week, things we need and use everyday. Upon leaving the store my son tripped and fell. he was unhurt but looked at me and said "I wish we didn't have to walk." Mere moments later another shopper, Kristin, had pulled her car to the side of the road. We fit the wagon in the back of her SUV and rode the remaining short distance home.
Now, would I normally accept the offer of a ride from a stranger home? No. This felt different and coming so closely on the heels of my sons comment felt much like God saying "Hey, I know. I'm still here. You are not alone. I will never leave you."

Last night it was the spontaneous visit from a friend that touched my heart. It reminded me of all I am blessed with. Sometimes remembering and reviewing how this all took place reminds me how very personal and real is God's presence in our lives. It is easy to feel cut off and disconnected. I know many feel alone and lost. Please, talk to someone. He is there. He is real. Sometimes He is silent, not because he is not speaking, because we are using earplugs.

The last and final moment that touched me, well, I would argue with the sentiment but a letter, penned from a neighbor I have never before met. For the sake of openness I will include the entire content. I accept that this is an opinion, because I feel acutely all my shortcomings, but I wonder how often others really do see us as God intends. We are much harder on ourselves than God would ever be.

"Woman with the cane-
I am a neighbor, almost a stranger but I have come to be familiar with you as you walk to school with your kids each morning. I am learning of your kindness, your unique and loving parenting abilities and most of all your beauty inside that shows with all of your loving expressions. You have a joy for life. You look forward to greeting the day with a smile in the sunshine. You have dedication to your health, to your children and you are teaching them to keep their promises by going to school each day. I have seen you on good days and bad. I have seen you on warm days and cold. I have seen you walk with ease some days and discomfort the next, all while teaching me with your quiet but powerful example that has inspired me to be better. your children follow you because they love you. They smile and look into your supportive caring eyes as they talk about their dreams. You hold their hands and travel in safety on your journey together learning, laughing as you go. The cold never seems to dampen your determination. Your children are loyal to you, they follow you not only as their leader, but also their most trusted friend. Daily you have taken confidence in your direction. I don't know much about your story, but I see your ending. You will always be honored, and cherished for your example. You have let your journey shape you into a beautiful creation, much like all the beautiful creations you go out to see on your walks. You are my most memorable and touching part of the daily routine I pick each day and your life has becomes very important to me. You are leaving a greater footprint in the world than you know. -Love, Kiowa valley Girl"