Avoidance

Definition of avoidance. 1 obsolete a : an action of emptying, vacating, or clearing away b : outlet. 2 : annulment 1. 3 : an act or practice of avoiding or withdrawing from something.

I am fully engaged in "the act or practice of withdrawing from something." Seriously, once summer hits it is all a game of trying to not fall too much behind. Visits from family and friends, my annual tests and exams, as well as making plans for the next three years, well, it gets really busy. So much has happened and there is a lot to update.

I am a middle aged, disabled college student.

I am enrolled in college. I am working with a vocational rehabilitation program to relearn the skills necessary to hold down a job and support others going through this challenge. I will be attending classes at a local school, mostly online, for the next two years. I am combining these efforts with my rehabilitation to help reduce my time out of the work force and am starting at very basic levels. I am pursuing an education in human resources with an eye toward working within the Americans with Disabilities Act for neuro-nontypical employees; autism and aspergers spectrum, traumatic brain injury, and post traumatic stress disorder.

Understanding and working within the framework of human resources I hope to make employability of disabled persons less intimidating and more accessible. Statistics show that while the disabled struggle with unemployment at much higher levels than the general population, despite capability, they often are model employees. They do not take as many days off of work, show attention to time and produce a good quality of work within the realm of their capabilities. I can use my 10 years of experience in working with disabilities and helping provide support, all while working within the framework needed for my limited capacities. Some skills I do not yet possess and some areas will require more healing and occupational therapy. I am focusing my next two years toward building this resiliency so that I am prepared and ready to contribute again.

Basically, I am making good use of my time to heal and move toward future goals. I am equal parts terrified and excited.

*Short note: My exams and evaluations show that I do have a 6mm residual tumor. It appears to be stable and my providers are not concerned about regrowth. I will have annual assessments to ensure that this does not change. I have follow-up referrals for neurological testing of my auditory nerves. (yay?)

Today

 

Some days I am here, here where I sit.
Locked in this place, taking up mass.
I can't move forward. I'm unable to do. 
I float and exist on the surface at most.
I try to get through it, I try to find hope.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

Fears build up in my heart and I cry heavy tears.
I miss my before. My before all of this. 
Before all this happened I ran and I did.
Before I was busy. I rushed and I hurried.
Trampled and hassled, feeling quite scurried.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

Not doing much, no progress to show.
No project or busy work measuring time.
Just this existence here, locked in my mind.
Not real. Out of touch. I can't grasp my life.
I lose the connections of people and time.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

It is easy to feel shut out. I am here but not engaged.
Present and yet out of step.
So much in my mind, it's hard to live in this body.
I feel like I'm floating. Not connected, not real.
The sorrow wells up and it's all I can feel.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 


I'm grateful, I am, don't get me wrong.
I know I am blessed, that others cry too.
Today I am here, in this space, how are you?
Tell me your stories, your dreams and your fears.
Let me know I'm not alone when it's my time for tears. 

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

Just please be my friend.
Let me laugh. Let me cry.
And when I'm discouraged give me reasons to try.
I'll get there. I will. I'll do it all one day.
That day is not now, that is not today.

Today I am grieving, and that is ok.

Birthdays and Milestones

Exciting things. Coming up on my one year Craniversary, graduating from physical therapy, and now having a birthday that I once feared I would never see. It's a turning point. I'm relearning how to drive and practicing in the neighborhood. I have accepted that I will use a walking device for physical protection for the rest of my life, and am moving on to nicer canes than my pharmacy version. Progress is still slow and difficult but I am slowly able to do more each month. I am getting there, now I just need to figure out where "there" is.

God bless and keep you!

More New Updates for Brain Tumor Awareness Month

Exciting things continue to occur as Go Gray for May reaches its middle. New research and breakthroughs are being posted and it is reaching out to the most violent and aggressive forms of tumor, in ways that are minimally invasive. I am so excited for those who suffer from these even more aggressive forms of tumor and cancer.

Newly released information shares a way to treat glioblastoma and it is working. Increased clinical trials are the next step. Medscape: Glioblastoma and Virus Vaccines

Support groups also offer hope as this is the biggest indicator of long term quality of life for survivors.

Brain Trust Support

Brain Cancer Support

God bless you! You've got this.

WHO?!?

The World Health Organization just published a paper that will greatly impact the treatment of brain tumors and other central nervous system tumors. This is huge. The classification systems used currently affects how treatment is done and what options are open to patients. Despite differences in cellular construction of the tumor, many tumors may have been previously classified the same. With all the new research and studies being done I am so excited at this change. This opens the door to more focused treatments and options.

Amazing. Way to go WHO!

Central Nervous System Classifications

TBI Events

Who knew? With brain tumor awareness month happening now that while the cancer institutes/treatment centers don't have events, the brain injury groups do. Yes! If you are in the area, you may enjoy participating in the 5 K Walk, Run, or Roll. Super excited!

Brain Injury Association

Support Groups

Go Gray for May!

This Mothers Day

 

 

This is my first Mothers Day from surgery. My craniversary is right around the corner, 10 days after my birthday, just the end of this month. Not every day is perfect but there is something perfect in everyday. This. This is why I keep going. They drive me crazy sometimes, they are often too smart for their own good. My boys. The loves of my life.

 

I have been blessed to be able to be their mother for another year. I need help. Sometimes it takes a lot of help if I am going through more serious rehabilitation but these women and many others have pulled together in ways I never knew were possible. My sons have been held and loved when i could not do it. They have someone to run and play with them, because I cant always be there. They have learned that the love for them is infinite and from many sources.

 

I am deeply grateful for this past year and every year I will have to love and nurture these bright souls. This Mothers Day, I'm just grateful that I had the chance to keep going.