Today

 

Some days I am here, here where I sit.
Locked in this place, taking up mass.
I can't move forward. I'm unable to do. 
I float and exist on the surface at most.
I try to get through it, I try to find hope.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

Fears build up in my heart and I cry heavy tears.
I miss my before. My before all of this. 
Before all this happened I ran and I did.
Before I was busy. I rushed and I hurried.
Trampled and hassled, feeling quite scurried.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

Not doing much, no progress to show.
No project or busy work measuring time.
Just this existence here, locked in my mind.
Not real. Out of touch. I can't grasp my life.
I lose the connections of people and time.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

It is easy to feel shut out. I am here but not engaged.
Present and yet out of step.
So much in my mind, it's hard to live in this body.
I feel like I'm floating. Not connected, not real.
The sorrow wells up and it's all I can feel.

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 


I'm grateful, I am, don't get me wrong.
I know I am blessed, that others cry too.
Today I am here, in this space, how are you?
Tell me your stories, your dreams and your fears.
Let me know I'm not alone when it's my time for tears. 

Today, is a hard day. Today, I am grieving. 

Just please be my friend.
Let me laugh. Let me cry.
And when I'm discouraged give me reasons to try.
I'll get there. I will. I'll do it all one day.
That day is not now, that is not today.

Today I am grieving, and that is ok.

More New Updates for Brain Tumor Awareness Month

Exciting things continue to occur as Go Gray for May reaches its middle. New research and breakthroughs are being posted and it is reaching out to the most violent and aggressive forms of tumor, in ways that are minimally invasive. I am so excited for those who suffer from these even more aggressive forms of tumor and cancer.

Newly released information shares a way to treat glioblastoma and it is working. Increased clinical trials are the next step. Medscape: Glioblastoma and Virus Vaccines

Support groups also offer hope as this is the biggest indicator of long term quality of life for survivors.

Brain Trust Support

Brain Cancer Support

God bless you! You've got this.

Why May?

Why May for Brain Tumor Awareness? May is flowers and Mothers Day. It is about spring and beauty.

Here are a few things you may not know:

3:1 - yes, this is another example of how being of the feminine gender creates increased chances of certain types of brain tumor. Some are looking at parallels of occurrences of breast cancer and ovarian cancer in addition to meningioma. Many of us hope that there is no connection. Most of all, we pray for a cure. We pray that no family loses another person to brain tumor, of any kind.

Another Passing

With the attention since the State of the Union from Vice President Biden, more focus has been given to the causes and solutions to brain tumor/cancer research. Sadly this comes too late for some. Another strong lady passed last night. She couldn't hold on any longer despite advances being made in how to access and cure these very life affecting tumors.

No consistent trend can predict the cause or solution. No comprehensive list of symptoms can tell sufferers when to be tested early. Even diagnostic tools are concerning because it is a major event to have a biopsy done. My surgeon simply removed as much of the tumor as possible and sent a piece for evaluation.

The sadness weighs on us all as we are a small community, a few in each city spread over the world. Not loud, many of us have sound sensitivity. Not vocal, speech is difficult as we stutter, misspeak, forget words and lose track of conversation. Not in the public eye or making big waves because our functionality suffers.  So, we simply fade away into obscurity with only our loved ones aware of the loss of light to the world.

This song came to my mind today. It is a song that reminds me that I am not alone and we are all the poorer for losing a light in our world.

Amy, my friends, those who have lost loved ones, remember "When you're alone, you're not alone. Not really alone."

Fear

I've been quiet. Collecting, repairing, restoring.

I had my follow-up MRI a few days ago. Scans show that new cyst formation, or likely meningioma, has formed. This time near my internal ear. I meet with my neurologist later today. Sounds like this may explain the deafness I am still experiencing.

I have gone through the fear, anger, and bargaining. With prayers of loved ones I got to "Let's do this." As I explained to my sister it's time to put on the big girl panties and make a plan. I am not done. I will not fear more challenges, because I can and will work through them. I am here for a reason. I have a higher purpose and I will stick around to make sure that it happens.

Fear is good, it keeps us safe. Teaches us what things are good for us and what things are not. But, it can also work to cripple us. To reduce our influence. To minimize the things we are able to accomplish. See your fear. Understand it for what it is. Then take from it what you can learn.

What I have learned is that I am not done. I refuse to go quietly into that dark night. I am going to live my life fully, no restrictions, no compromise. I am not able to do everything, but I can do enough. I am and while I am, then look out, I'm not finished yet.